F-CK the ocean!

Pretty icky looking. Wonder what dangers it holds to man? I’m sure once they investigate it further they’ll find all sorts of ways this fish can kill humans.

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Now anytime I eat strawberries there will be that part of me that says “make sure it’s REALLY a strawberry” because the ocean loves to sneak up on you when you’re not suspecting it.

TAIPEI, Taiwan – A marine biologist says he has discovered a new crab species off the coast of southern Taiwan that looks like a strawberry with small white bumps on its red shell.

Ho said Tuesday his team found two female crabs of the new species last June off the coast of Kenting National Park, known for its rich marine life. The crabs died shortly thereafter, possibly because the water in the area was polluted by a cargo ship that ran aground.

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Human ingenuity trumps oceanic horrors:

The name says it all, the viperfish. It has teeth so damn big they can’t fit in its mouth, seriously how fucked is the ocean when there are fish running around with teeth so big they can’t fit in their own mouth?

Luckily while the pacific viperfish can grow to 2 meters, we aren’t food for these monsters. Plus they stay so deep in the water we’re not very likely to see one face to face anyway, unless you’re one of those silly people who dive deep into the ocean to do stupid things like take pictures of stuff that can EAT you.

Nothing major, just 2 scary fish pictures.

Today we take a look at the Snakehead.  The name alone should let you know this is fuckery at it’s finest. The Snakehead fish is  one mean bastard.  It has been reported to attack humans who go too close to its young. Widely distributed across South East Asia, parts of India and Africa, the giant tropical specimen boasts a fat mouth and sharp pointed teeth, and will eat just about everything in or on a body of water, be it fish, bird, amphibian or mammal.

Now this lovely little gem is being introduced to waters elsewhere in the world. They will eat literally EVERYTHING in whatever waters they’re in, then when there is nothing left to eat they will crawl over land to new waters. Let me repeat that, when it is done eating everything in the waters it currently infests it will crawl over land to new waters. Ok one more time because seriously this is some of the worst fuckery I’ve yet shared here, as if it’s not bad enough when this shit is in our waters, when it comes ON LAND game over man!  When it is done eating everything in the waters it currently infests it will crawl over land to new waters.

One more thing before we get to the pictures. Many of these pictures are from people who have caught snakehead fish right here in the United States, they are not native here, they are invaders, and will destroy the ecology of any body of water they’re found in here, and apparently, they’ll do it quickly.

Let’s keep the jibber jabber to a minimum and just recap a few points about this fish:

• Lives in African waters
• Grows up to 6 feet long
• Highly territorial
• Huge teeth
• Did I mention 6 feet long?

These are actually fairly highly prized game fish and people love to catch them.  I suppose I could see that if by catching you mean “dynamiting the whole fucking river”.

And now, pictures of our badass of the day, the Tigerfish.

So let’s learn a little about some freshwater fuckery. The piranha, while not a big fish, the largest variety grows to maybe 18 inches, makes up for size with attitude, and numbers. Hunting in schools, and voraciously attacking and eating any animal unlucky enough to get in their way, particularly if they smell blood.

Ladies, it’s safe to say, never get into the Amazon if it’s that time of the month. If it’s not candiru swimming up your urethra, it’s piranha eating you, and they would likely start where the blood is flowing from. Honestly I’m surprised this hasn’t appeared in at least a handful of horror movies by now.

But enough with the jibber jabber, let’s make with the pictures!

How about the pistol shrimp then?

Kinda cute isn’t he?  Let’s recap a few things about this little guy:

1. uses it’s big claw to shoot a jet of water
2. this jet can be over 60 mph
3. the jet has a bubble in its wake when it collapses, the bang it makes is louder than a rocket engine
4. the temperature in this jet when the bubble collapses can be 8000F that’s eight THOUSAND degrees, I didn’t add a couple zeroes for fun
5. have been known to brake the glass of any aquarium unlucky enough to have one of these in it by hitting the glass with this jet

Don’t believe me?  There’s plenty of proof, here’s a video:

So, there you go, just one more example of why the ocean (and most other large bodies of water) need to be nuked to cleanse them.

See how cute you think this little guy is:

Fellas, imagine you’re skinny dipping in your favorite river or lake. Now imagine this little guy or a MUCH BIGGER (they get a LOT bigger) cousin of his mistaking your penis for a tasty snack? Ladies, I guess imagine a toe or finger or something.